DOES SADNESS REALLY FLY AWAY

 

DOES SADNESS REALLY FLY AWAY

Sadness flies away on the wings of time- Jean De la Fontaine

I came across this sentence a few days back. It really intrigued me. It was sending hope yet I knew of situations that saddened the heart irrespective of time. It was full of positivity, yet I had experienced the negativity of sad situations again and again, irrespective of time. I wondered if sadness really flew away on the wings of time.

I had always felt that time just blunts the cutting edge of sadness and replaces intense pain with bearable pain. It never flies away, always leaving your heart with that deep heaviness where sadness sits on heavy bottoms, moving just ever so slightly to allow a trickle of happiness to jostle for space in an already overcrowded heart.

 There are sad moments that disturb us and there are sad events that destroy us. The sad moments remain floating and their lightness gives them the effortless ability to fly away from our hearts with time. It is the sad events in our life that settle down in the deep recesses of our heart, never to leave. It’s crucial to understand the difference to lead a life of acceptance of the burden of sadness.

Losing a dear one or a young member of the family suddenly is always devastating. In a split second it uproots the entire family tearing the fabric to shreds. It’s not just the suddenness of loss, it’s also about the inability to comprehend the future. Life stops acutely and the wheels running smoothly brake with a deafening sound that tears the ear drums causing a deathly silence of that dark event. The vision is clouded and the mind gets numbed beyond words. You walk in a daze unable to make sense of anything that formed your routine. Is it easy for this extremely devastating sadness to ever fly away?

Experts working on grief and bereavement have analyzed the grief and bereavement period classifying it into four stages. The last stage is about acceptance. Eventually after going through the phases of disbelief, anger and guilt of having lost the loved one, the person begins to accept the situation. Time is the greatest healer they say. With time, the intensity of sadness starts to blunt on its edges and the jagged margins of memories hurt less than before. Time and acceptance help to look at the memories of the lost one with a new vision. Eyes blur less and heart cries a little less. Physical expression of hurt lessens and an occasional smile replaces the memory.

All this happens over decades and that one life we have gets scarred with deep sadness. Many of those who are left behind lose a lifetime in coming to terms with the reality that just swept them away from a normal life. Sadness takes a real long time to get washed away and, in this situation, it also leaves behind imprints that are hard to clean.

Extreme sadness can come knocking in many other forms and shapes. Sadness that destroys the fabric of our lives and can overnight ruin the happy pace that we have gotten used to. Broken relationships, divorce, accidents, court and police cases, online -offline frauds, losing reputation and standing in the society can all bring that unspeakable sadness that adds to the weight of the burdened heart.

Illnesses of loved ones, humiliation at work place, inability to bear pressures of life or work, stress from relationships, broken hearts and broken bones, breach of trust, cheating, financial losses, failure in businesses, strained family ties, natural calamities that wash away home and hearth, all account for those moments when things can get unbearable and cause a deep pain in the heart.

 Many of these tragedies take away all that we have or have collected over years of hard work for a secure future. Often, thoughts of ending the problem by ending the life cross the mind, some weaker minds even going ahead with it. Often, despair and depression cloud the rational thinking. Darkness envelopes the mind and the tunnel seem to have no proverbial light at its end.

However, one must never forget that in face of greater tragedies, these are the floating sad events that only time will erase and hopefully, will one day fly away on its wings. Most of the problems we encounter, most of the difficult situations we face seem to hold us in their tight angry squeeze, will loosen with time. Eventually, the sharpness of the difficulty will blunt away and the pain will fade away leaving little evidence of the hurt it has caused.

There is no such a problem that does not come with a solution, albeit it can make one compromise the routine or change tracks. The human body and mind are well equipped with so much strength as to handle any of these distractions and fill the heart with happiness again. There is no such a bad situation that eventually does not fade away into the horizon. With a mad rush to survive in this fast-paced world, most of us lose the ability to tackle pressure head on. Many a times we forget to see our inner strength and beauty. Even small ups and downs can appear colossal and stop us in our tracks. They can break us because we have forgotten to harness our inner strength.

The energy of youth and the skills of the adulthood are lost in the maze of fear of failure and hurt. The helplessness and hopelessness of the situations arise because we have lost the confidence in ourselves.

What seems impossible is just another problem with multiple possibilities of opportunities. A change of business or a job, re-establishing communication with the person that has hurt you or simply moving on, slowly rebuilding life after calamities or financial losses are all a sure possibility with time, faith, family, friends and determination.

It's often forgotten that none of these problems can take away our ability to work our way to the top again. The bottomless pit where one finds oneself in such a situation is not bottomless at all. The tunnel is dark but we must believe that there is light somewhere. Slowly and steadily, we can crawl up from the bottom into light again. Our precious life and our inner resolve must be kept alive to pull us up.

The despairing situations always remind me of a fable. The story of the king who was so despaired in face of defeat that he felt his life was useless. It was an old uneducated simpleton who gave a ring to the king embossed with the words “this too shall pass” to be seen in utterly hopeless situations. 

Just as Jean De la Fontaine has said, sadness will fly away.

Very rightly, it is profound, it is full of hope and guides us through those difficult times which at that point seem permanent and endless.

We forget that this too shall pass.

We forget that we have the ability to allow it to fly away.

On wings of time.

Dr. REINA KHADILKAR

BEING THERE- LIFE @ 60

 BEING THERE- LIFE @ 60

A decade ago, when I turned 50, I wrote about the feelings one goes through at that fascinating golden milestone in my blog, “Turning 50”. It was energetic, hopeful, exciting and was the crossing when one entered the phase of being old, yet not really old. It’s the new 40s they said as I reveled in the golden glow of turning 50, not really feeling 50!

The decade passed by, life in all its glory. Kids with their achievements, accolades, awards, successes, failures, friends, social platforms and careers. It was as though a movie reel in fast forward that they went from asking pocket money to spending their own, from asking permission to go out to informing hurriedly after they have left, from nursing their heart breaks to holding that special hand with which they would now walk forward and forever. And leaving mine.

It was an amazing decade as I saw my daughter turn first into a loving wife and then to a glowing mother, all engrossed and entrenched in the life that she had brough forth. It was fascinating to see my little baby become me to her baby. The glow of motherhood and the sense of completeness shone on her beautiful face as she struggled and worked her way to the changed demands of her new role. I stood there watching, reminiscing and smiling.

Becoming a grand-mother brought in as much grandeur in my life as it toppled all my concepts of a clean and spotless home. My obsessive-compulsive disorder of keeping my home in strict order was tossed out of the window as cries of hunger, nursery rhymes, white noises for sleep, soiled nappies and tiny clothes filled and spilled all over the house. It was a tiring, exhausting, sapping yet exhilarating, exciting and simply a joyous time for the house.

It was an amazing decade as I saw my son emerge from a gauche, awkward, shy, plumpish teenager to strong, fit, bold and worldly-wise doctor who learnt to handle human diseases with a rare sharp clinical acumen that he has inherited from his illustrious maternal grand-father, a prolific doctor of his times, chiseled and acquired with burning the midnight oil, as he learnt the ropes to handle the emergency casualty at all odd hours, operate on macabre wounds, heal hearts and bodies, learn from seniors and train the juniors on his way to becoming an orthopedic surgeon. Stories of his skills, integrity, honesty and loyalty came to me from friends, colleagues, his co-workers and teachers. His determination to excel, his passion for the field of medicine, his ability to be a man of integrity and the strength of his honesty was what we had dreamt for him as parents. I stood there, watching, proud, happy and smiling.

The decade was pushing ahead, yet life had caught me in the whirlwind of my own adjustments to the rapidly changing digital world, the dynamics of my profession that saw me struggling to keep abreast with not just technology, but changes in the whole system of teaching and being teachers to the generation zee. The protocols and new methods that changed the way we imparted our knowledge of the human body to the new generation seemed to run much faster than I could. I was caught in a time warp of the system that I had been accustomed to. As a teacher, I had to wriggle out of that web of values, principles and attitudes that had created my persona. Expecting the same from the young, bold and restless, yet highly comfortable with “all that was new” generation, was a task that I had to learn to unlearn. The growing years taught me the patience and the philosophy of accepting the change and being it. It was a struggle but a worthy one.

 I could feel the pressure of age that never was there before. The difficulty in molding oneself to the ways of the technology reminded me of the rapidity of ageing. The excitement of buying the latest mobile phone or being a part of the family that loved all things Apple was gradually replaced by an inner fear of unlearning what I had learnt and then learning again all over what needed to be learnt. My heart screamed for familiarity of what I had got used to, yet the young ones around me insisted that I ‘upgrade’. I stood there, fearing yet accepting the ability to learn, unlearn, learn, repeat!

The decade turned from one digit to the next, upgrading my whole being to what the rest of the world refers to as, ‘senior citizen’. This time however, I could feel the pride of being the elder one, of being the support system for all the struggles and hardships my loved ones would go through, of stretching that helping hand of experience that comes with living through six decades of life. This time I could feel the peace of being in control of my choices, my work, my relationships. I could feel the decompression of pressures of running the rat race, fighting to win and hating to lose. I could feel the ease of letting go of hurt, pain and disappointment that people around you inflict, knowingly or unknowingly. I could feel the ability to understand myself in all this whirlwind of emotions and protect myself from the inner storms.

As I stand today at 60, reflecting on the years gone by, the twists and turns that made my life so exciting and full, the people who loved me, hated me, ignored me or even pushed me down, the family and friends who gave meaning to my life, I can feel the fullness of this one life that my parents gave me. I can feel the gratefulness of that Supreme Power that guided me through thick and thin, and be the guiding light on this difficult path.

I can feel the gratefulness of every moment. I can feel the invaluable value of every breath I take, every sunrise I see and every day I spend honestly doing the work I am passionate about, running my home with love and care and getting warmth and love from my people.

As I stand at the beginning of this decade, I can feel the strength of giving, forgiving and moving on. When I look ahead to the coming years, I know I may take a tad longer to catch up with the changing world, but in my own way, I know I will and that it will be the most memorable decade I have ever lived.

In all humility, peace, bliss and happiness.

Dr. Reina Khadilkar