MID LIFE CR…………….. CALMING!

                                 I stand on the cusp as life gently nudges out yet another year from under my nose and pushes me ever so slightly on the sloping side of mid-life. My birthday is here reminding me of a long past, a short present (as it always is, irrespective of age) and a gradually diminishing future.

                                As usual I look for all tell-tale signs of excitement that preclude that ‘special day’, that have been a part of my existence since the time my parents celebrated it year after year with the same zeal and enthusiasm each time, that made me delirious with happiness and feel utterly special. Candle light dinner, designer dress, pre-planned surprise gifts, sinful chocolate cake, cards, phones, messages, all the works that define a special day called birthday. None of the expectations in my mind this time and surprise of surprises, I am not disappointed at all! It doesn’t bother me anymore that I will not ‘shop till I drop’ or plan for all the surprises I want for myself.                                    The urge to want all this and more is no longer there. I am calm as still water, a little relieved that it doesn’t stress me to make memories of that one particular day. The weight of expectations has lifted making me light and feathery.  I am not even expecting the family to rally around me celebrating my special moments just as I want them to be. It does not bring a sense of adventure to look forward to what the coming year has in store. It does not feel odd anymore that I will not be one year older but that I am already old now!

                              Is this a sign of old age? I think not, as old as in ‘being old’. For one, there is no unhappiness about the change. Secondly, the excitement of young age is not there but neither is the melancholy of getting old.

                           There is an odd sense of calm, like a mother’s gentle hand smoothening the erratic waves of time, quietening the whirlwind that unruffles the layers of life gradually slowing down the gushing waters of a gigantic water-fall as it reaches the flattened earth, resting in her delicate yet firm cusp as she shushes it with tender whispers till it gradually calms down, reaching an unseen and hitherto unknown depth. Layer by layer, the waves smoothen out, the water loses its anger and a deep silence envelops the being.

                           I feel this sense of calm today. It is the magic of age that gives us this ability to untwist the coils in our heart and smoothen the rushing waves of stress, thoughts, feelings, achievements, failures, joys and sorrows that define our existence. At every stage of our life our wants and desires push us forward hoping to gain more and lose less. The ‘I’ creates our need to race with time, youth allowing us to overtake time and adulthood helping us to stay with time, all the while creating a persona that becomes us although it may not necessarily be the real ‘us’. That persona whom we have created is the one who drives our life to go beyond our expectations from ourselves , bringing with itself the stress of achieving what we expect from our self. We go through life in troughs and craters, happy when we satisfy the ‘I’, deeply disturbed when our achievement falls below what the ‘I’ wants.

                             Life becomes an obstacle race, often wounding us and occasionally rewarding us. There is no aim in sight, just an urgency to run ahead of oneself. Everything we do matters to our heart. Our failures break it into smithereens and our successes catapult it beyond the skies. Our relationships get built and broken on the whims of our untamed ego. The feeling of achievement brings a sense of having lived well, just as failure takes away the purpose of life. We keep swinging between the highs and lows, going through the rigmarole of life, uncaring for where we are headed. Life centers around just what you make it and how you make it. Any transgression that breaks into this circle is suspect. Simply put, we become touchy to anything that disturbs our concept of ‘I’.  We gather hurt, anger, greed, hatred along with the big and small joys of life. We fill our hearts with infinite feelings and burden it with all that crosses our way. The small ripples that begin in our youth slowly gain steam and rise and rise, first as gentle bubbles and then roaring, boiling and overflowing with large unruly waves. We are now at the prime of our life.

                                  This all-consuming power of life slowly begins to lose steam as you start looking at the brilliant orange of the sun readying itself to go beyond into the unknown. Way before its time, the harsh heat gradually cools down. The rays lose their straight sharp ends and the mellowness engulfs it making it bearable, even pleasant for the eyes. Even the mighty sun learns to lose its heat and tame its unruly waves.

I feel the calm today just as the sun readies itself to lose its intense burning heat. I feel the calm today as the gushing waterfall steadies itself on the gentle earth, getting deeper and calmer. I feel the calm today as my heart and mind gradually move beyond expectations and wants. I feel the calm today as I get ready to lead a life that is gradually freeing itself from the clutches of ‘id’.

                  I feel the calm -

                 When I am happy to allow my grown up kids to opine about my decisions.

                  When my daughter holds my hands, wipes my tears and reprimands me to ‘move on’.

                 When I take my son’s advice on health issues, accepting happily that he knows more medicine than me (not necessarily surgery though), smiling indulgently as he emphatically reminds me of the psycho-somatic factor in my physical ailment.

                  When I find happiness in my work, no longer haranguing for the tag of success, awards, status, position, name and fame.

                    When I accept the wrong turns that I have taken and no longer bear their weight on my heart.

                    When I look at broken relationships with a sense of detachment, happy that it no longer hurts and breaks my heart.

                    When students come and tell me they have learnt so much from me.

                    When I no longer think of the number of books written by me, that should have flown off the shelf, but happily start writing another one.

                    When I allow myself to throw my head back in the rear seat of the car that my children drive now,

                     When I pick up my glass of wine as they say cheers with theirs.

                                       As I move from one level to another, the past gently sheds away its layers unburdening me gradually. My vision slowly adjusts to the present as I find true joy in knowing the real ‘me’. Age is teaching me to accept my hurts and failures and make peace with them. Age is teaching me to accept my destiny because life couldn’t have been better and more blessed than this. Age is teaching me to calm down.

                                   Certainly I don’t feel old enough to stop living. I just feel calm enough to accept life in all its glory. I feel ready to face yet another beautiful year with the most beautiful people around me, the family and the friends who have given meaning to my existence, the innumerable faces that have swept my life with rainbow colours, the lives that have touched mine, enriching it and helping me to unpeel, the unfathomable speed-blocks that have taught me to fight for a place under the sun and the miracle that is ‘age’ that has calmed me down.

                                  Life will still be the same roller coaster ride, bringing with itself unequal proportions of happiness and disappointments, successes and failures, untold joys and unbearable sorrows. The desires and wants will pop their head every now and then. The ego will rear its ugly head and fallibilities will weaken the mind ever so often. But the calmness will help to keep the vision clear and the burdening will be less. As the knees get arthritic and the heart vessels gradually bend under the aging curse, calming will smoothen the ride ahead. It will help to strengthen the mind even as the body weakens. It will make the years ahead worthy of what we should learn from life.

                   Its an unusual birthday for me. Life’s biggest gift to me on my birthday!

                   Can’t sign off without narrating this experience. I have always enjoyed driving and the speed that exhilarates. A few days back I was driving back home from work  at good speed when suddenly couple of cars swerved past mine at full speed rashly overtaking me almost breaking my concentration and cruising ahead in full speed. Ordinarily, my heart would have sped up as would the accelerator. But strangely, I found myself calmly humming on the golden oldie playing on the music system, relaxed, smiling and continuing on my own track. Metaphorical, isn’t it?