A MIRACLE
CALLED AGE
Long ago I
had expressed my angst in a blog at not being able to stand up to the
expectations of what it means to be a good human being. In spite of having gone
through a major part of life, there were lacunae that made me not like the
person I was looking at into the mirror. My inability to conquer negativity and
certain emotions that hurt me or sometimes, hurt some other person was
certainly making me not like me.
The hurt I
felt when my people broke the bond I had taken for granted or the anguish I
felt at not being able to live up to the expectations of a relationship, the
anger directed at someone for my own frustrations or the rage I felt while
driving under severely stressed conditions, was all a part of my-self that
needed to change. There were many loose ends that needed to be tied up. I had
confessed in the blog why I don’t like myself!
Much water
has flown under the bridge since then.
Yet, instead
of the shallow pool that forms due to flowing off of water, it has slowly started getting
deeper and deeper creating a calm that characterizes bottomless depths. The wrinkles of negativity in the heart have smoothened gradually even as the wrinkles over the face have become prominent. The
ill feelings that weighed the heart down have slowly started getting weightless as
the body is gearing up to face the illness of the mortal self. I could see the slow
transformation of the mind and the soul as the body got older.
A smile appeared
in the eyes and a warmth spread in the heart as I looked into the mirror seeing
the new evolving person that looked back at me.
A miracle
called age was slowly unfolding before my eyes. Tables were gradually turning
and there were some happy notes in the self that stood before me which I
actually liked to see. I could see that I could like myself. The miracle had
made me fall in love with the person I was becoming as I walked ahead.
What is it
that I like about myself today?
I like the
ability I have developed to face stressful situations. The calmness of thought
before reacting to the situation surprises me but gives me an immense sense of
relief and peace. I can feel the negative energy draining out every time I
pause and think before reacting. It can be as mundane as clutter around the
living room which I expect to be spic and span or as stressful as driving
through prime- time traffic with vehicles crisscrossing your way in break-neck
speed, unmindful of traffic rules, signals or road courtesy. From being the
over-reacting, angry and often frustrated at the blatant misuse of rules that
define a disciplined and honest life, I can now find myself coursing through
such situations with ease and calm.
I like my
ability to deal with the hurt that comes with heart breaks for reasons ranging
from insignificant arguments to serious lapses in maintaining the relationship.
I find that although I still bleed from wounds, I have developed the ability to
gradually get over the incident before it settles deep inside the heart and
solidifies itself. I have learnt to move away gently from the hurt till the
vision of my heart blurs and the pain disappears. I have learnt to heal and
help my heart to remain strong and healthy in face of gradual destruction of
the muscle pump that is an inevitable reality. I have learnt to move on,
without a trace of the dreaded word called ‘stress’ burdening me. This is the miracle
and I like myself for it.
I like
myself when I accept that the rat race is far behind me and I am now on the
fringes of the path that leads to achievements, success, awards and accolades.
I like myself when I genuinely and honestly
enjoy the success of the hordes coming from behind me and leaving me far
behind. I like it when I find peace in the regrets that harangue my past and
disturb the present.
I like it when it hits without hurting that I
now walk on the plateau where the walk is a flat road and there are no more
hills to climb and i know that ‘this is it’ and I must now find and walk on newer
paths that take me towards the health of the mind and body.
I like myself when I start accepting the shortcomings
of the aging body without the frustration of not finding the energy to work and
play for long hours that were the hallmark of last few decades. It doesn’t
surprise me if I say no to midnight jaunts for an ice-cream or a maghai paan
which I loved to do only a few years back.
The
disappointment that comes with not being able to share the enthusiasm of the
generation next as they try to pull you into their stormy vortex now doesn’t
last beyond a few fleeting moments and a smily emoji replaces that emoji with
eyes lowered and mouth drooping down. I like myself for the ability to smile
indulgently at the youth that has just left your hand and flown into the wild
night.
The years
are passing by and the body is getting a year older each time the calendar
changes the number. The miracle is that I can find the meaning of graceful
aging and realise the beauty of what it does to the self. The miracle is that I
am slowly discovering the purpose of age, re-define my constitution and one day hope to blossom into a truly graceful and good person with the same enthusiasm for
living life to fullest at that point of time. The miracle is that age has made
me aware of the greatest gift, that is life itself.
Honestly, I
am still not there yet.
But.
I like
myself for finding the path that will take me there. It has all happened due to
a miracle called Age!
The year is
ending soon and you would wonder after all this, do I want to dance away the 31st
eve till the wee hours of the new year?
You bet I
do, but on my own tune!
Happy 2020
to all.
